Less Grit, More Grace: Why Pushing Through Anxiety Keeps You Stuck (Part 1)
By Jordan Ryan, LPC
I used to think willpower was the answer to everything. Feeling unmotivated? Just push harder. Struggling with bad habits? Get some discipline. Drowning in existential dread? Wake up at 5 a.m. and drink a kale smoothie. I spent years trying to strong-arm myself into being a better person, and all I got was more anxiety and a deeply adversarial relationship with my alarm clock (we’ve sense made up, though).
We’ve been sold willpower as the ancient, mystical key to success. The reality is that willpower is more American than ancient. It’s the backbone of the pull yourself up by your bootstraps mentality. And it’s also the wind that turns the embers of hustle culture into an unstoppable wildfire, devouring energy, joy, and self-worth along the way. The harder we push, the faster it spreads, and the worse you probably feel, especially if anxiety is already whispering (or screaming), "Oh my goodness, you’re not doing enough!!.”
When I gently challenge these willpower perspectives with my clients, I’m often met with a skeptical look that reminds me of how I’ve likely responded to my own past therapists. People whose opinions I deeply value have shamed me (intentionally and unintentionally) for not measuring up to their standards, so some parts of me have learned to shame myself into self-control to prove my worth. My inner critic still sometimes believes that if I had more willpower and discipline, then I’d finally be worthy of love and connection. My clients have been through the same experiences and learned the same painful lessons, and so they wisely ask, “But isn’t self-control a good thing?”
And they’re right. There’s scientific truth in that. Research shows that people with strong self-regulation skills tend to have better mental health outcomes.
There’s a big difference, though, between self-punishment and self-compassion. One cracks the whip, using fear and self-criticism as motivation, often fueling anxiety in the process. The other creates a nurturing inner presence that courageously grants permission to grow, to heal, and to be perfectly imperfect.
Willpower usually makes us feel like we’re not doing enough, even though objectively we are probably doing more than enough. This motivates anxiety to keep pushing you forward. And the harder anxiety pushes, the more impossible the task feels because anxiety isn’t exactly a chill, go-with-the-flow kind of guest. It’s more like an over-caffeinated life coach shouting, “Try harder! Do better! Oh, and if you fail, it’s all on you!”
Anxiety turns every effort into a high-stakes performance where rest feels like failure and self-compassion feels like slacking. No wonder we’re exhausted.
If you’re just like my clients (and me), you’ve been told if you’re just hard enough on yourself, you’ll finally become the person you’re supposed to be.
I believe self-compassion steadily nurtures growth, like a river patiently carving its path through stone. It may move more gently, but with each quiet ripple, you remain whole and never lose yourself in the current.
Self-criticism doesn’t fuel growth. It fuels shame. And shame doesn’t move us forward because it traps us in the very cycles we’re trying to escape. For your entire life, you’ve been thriving in spite of shame and self-criticism, not because of it.
In Part 2, we’re going to do exactly what shame doesn’t want. We’re going to call it out! Because the moment you name shame, it starts to lose its power. Click here to find out why in Part 2.