Less Grit, More Grace: Why Pushing Through Anxiety Keeps You Stuck (Part 2)
By Jordan Ryan, LPC
As we discussed in Part 1, we've been taught to believe that willpower shapes us into who we’re supposed to be. However, willpower is often just a prettier way of saying shame because it relies on the fear of not being enough to keep us in line. And when anxiety is already whispering (or shouting) that we’re falling short, shame swoops in to double down, convincing us that self-criticism is the only way to stay in control.
Shame is a verb. It’s a harmful action whose impacts ripple through our bodies. Literally! When we shame ourselves into behaving better, we activate our autonomic nervous system (ANS), which triggers the fight-or-flight response. This is the body’s alarm system that alerts us to danger. The fact that shame triggers our ANS suggests that the brain interprets shame as a life-or-death crisis! And when anxiety is already on high alert, shame only reinforces the sense that something is deeply wrong with us.
Brené Brown, a leading researcher on shame, defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” She explains that shame is “the fear of disconnection,” or the fear that something we’ve done or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection. This is why shame activates our ANS! On a deep cellular level, our bodies are afraid of any perceived or actual threat to our important relationships and the safety they provide. And when anxiety is woven into this dynamic, it creates an exhausting loop where anxiety warns us we’re falling short, and shame rushes in to punish us for it.
All of this happens in your body, too, when someone else shames you. And so, some parts of you, like your inner critic, have learned to shame you first to avoid being shamed by others. Because rejection hurts so much that sometimes you might feel like you want to disappear. Your inner critic wants to protect you from ever feeling like this again, so it keeps you hyper-aware of the possibility of rejection, even when none is actually happening.
If your inner critic is like mine, then you can probably hear it saying:
What’s wrong with me?
I should be able to handle this.
I just need to be tougher.
They will never love you if you don’t act right
Some people hear these thoughts or voices and then react, “I feel so guilty.” But these are not statements of guilt. Guilt and shame are completely different emotions with distinct effects on our behavior and bodies. Guilt doesn’t usually trigger the ANS as intensely as shame does. If I feel guilt, I am more likely to repair the harm I’ve caused. Guilt helps me recognize my mistakes and motivates me to make amends.
Guilt is uncomfortable, but not nearly as uncomfortable as shame. This is because shame hijacks the nervous system. When I feel shame, I am more likely to lash out at myself or others (because my ANS is triggered into fight-or-flight), which just creates more shame. Shame isolates me and convinces me I just need more willpower to change. My inner critic piles on anxiety by making every mistake feel like a catastrophe, convincing me that if I don’t get this right, I’ll lose everything.
When one of my clients says, “I feel so guilty that I can’t face this anymore. I just need to be stronger,” I always ask, “Hmm, is that really guilt, or is it shame?” A guilty part of you would probably say something more like, “I regret how I handled that. I want to make it right.” Guilt opens the door to growth, healing, and connection to what matters most to us, while shame slams that door shut. When that door is shut, self-compassion is locked out.
Next time your inner critic shows up, your first instinct might be to fight back to force it into submission. That won’t always work because the louder you yell at your inner critic, the louder it yells back. Remember that the inner critic is the master of shame and anxiety, so you aren’t going to beat fire with fire. Instead, try something different: pause. Get curious. Ask yourself, “What is this critical voice trying to protect me from?”
Once my clients really get to know their inner critic, they learn it has been working a lonely, exhausting job to protect them from failure, rejection, and a fear of the unknown. The critic may not use the kindest approach, but it’s trying to help in the only way it knows how. We want to meet our inner critic with more curiosity and appreciation (and, eventually, compassion) to recognize its good intentions while also gently choosing a more empowering way forward.
Turning towards your inner critic isn’t just willpower-fueled mindset change. It’s a radical form of self-compassion. And self-compassion is the literal antidote to shame. As a therapist, I feel like I’m a salesperson for unpopular products, self-compassion being one of them. Most of my clients (and even myself at times) will say, “Isn’t self-compassion just letting myself off the hook or lowering my standards?”
It’s a fair question, but the answer is no. In Part 3, we’ll explore what self-compassion really is and why it’s not as soft or passive as you might think. Even better, the more you access self-compassion, the less anxious you’ll probably feel. If any part of you is even a little curious, click this link and keep reading.